Hold me fast, 'cause I'm a hopeless wanderer

Shadow of your heart, a Rose/Loki fic

Part One Part Two Part Three

 ~*~

“Loki, you complete tosser!”

“Ah, Rose, you’re always so lovely in the morning.”

“Don’t you pull that shit with me. I have been lookin’ for me notes the past hour.”

She was often angry these days. Not as much as he was, in the beginning. In the beginning he lashed out, sometimes physically, a rage coiled inside of him like a deadly snake. But never at her. There was something strange, uncanny, about his blue and yellow human. Something he never could put his finger on, something that seeped into his skin each day. It was like a balm to his torn and raw heart, an odd power that radiated from her like a star. Like the stars that were slowly but surely blinking out of the night sky.

But oh, he did love it when she was angry at him. Her cheeks turned a brilliant pink, a color that suited her. But not as much as that blue leather jacket she wore like armor, the one she wore now as she stormed across the room to where he sat sprawled in an armchair. In her fist was a shredded mass of paper.

“It was stuck under your desk as I was vacuuming, how was I supposed to see it?” Loki protested, raising his hands up in placation. “I suggest you take better care of your notes.”

“If you really wanted to destroy somethin’, why not try Earth like a normal alien? At least then I’d have reason enough to shoot ya without all the paperwork at Torchwood.”

“Been there, done that,” he tossed back casually.

“They were about the dimension canon, you twat. I needed them. Do you even care?” She threw the wad at him in frustration and stomped out the back door.

“Rose…”

She ignored him. With a heavy sigh Loki levered himself off of the chair and out to the back porch. He told himself that he only followed her because banished or not, the very little power he had left here was his way with words; gathering, giving, twisting, destroying information. That made him more trouble than he was worth, but on his own, fallen…that was all he had left now.

And her. But he didn’t really have the blue-and-yellow spitfire, did he? No, the woman staring out across the Channel belonged to another god.

Though, truth be told, Loki never was one to honor any sense of boundaries.

“I am sorry.”

“No, you’re not,” Rose sighed. “You’re not like…” She did not finish, she didn’t have to. It always did come to this. She told him, once, about her Doctor. How Loki reminded her of him in some ways. But certainly not in others, though Rose could only guess at the extent of those comparisons.

He never told her why he fell, or anything about where he came from. He just wanted to forget. He just wished she would want to forget, too.

“Oh, fine. If it makes you feel better—” With a dash of magic and a flourish he pulled the notes, fully restored, from his pocket. 

“How did you—”

“I was saving that party trick for your mother, but I suppose I’ll have to charm her some other way the next time she deems me worthy to invite to another damn Vitex circus.”

“What will you lift off her this time?” Rose asked dryly. “Her watch?”

“I was thinking her earrings,” Loki mused.

“She’ll smack you again, you know,” she pointed out.

“I think that means she’s starting to like me.”

“You’re impossible.”

Loki reached for her waist, a self-indulgent grin on his face.

“Oh, but you love it.”

“Loki,” she warned.

He shrugged off the move with a light-hearted chuckle and instead leaned forward onto the railing. He enjoyed the novelty of living in a realm and in a circle of people unfamiliar to his true nature, but he couldn’t quite shake the feeling that Rose knew more about him than he ever shared with her. As much as he didn’t completely fit in with his brother and his circle of friends, this alternate Midgard was worse.

And this is why he had to keep Rose working on the dimension canon.

“You really are set on this ridiculous project of yours, then?”

“I’ve always been set, Loki. I didn’t think you would need to shred my notes to realize that.”

“You’re risking death each time you jump.”

“The stars are goin’ out. I don’t have a choice.”

“You don’t even know if he’ll be on the other side.”

“I’m not givin’ up on that. Can we just leave it, Guns?”

“Only if you stop calling me that…Roses.”

“Yeah, mate. I got it.” But Rose grinned at him then, and he knew it was genuine.

He’s lied enough for the both of them, anyway.

“I shouldn’t be alive.”

Rose looked at his face, which he carefully kept smooth and emotionless. She stilled as well, almost as if she thought he’d bolt or forget his sincerity. He wanted to laugh bitterly at that. As if he ever was sincere with her.

“I still don’t think I should be. I’ve done terrible things, Rose, and I have suffered the consequences. You helped me when I was completely alone, and I owe you a great debt because of it. So listen to me when I say this.”

He reached over for her hand, turning to face her.

“You aren’t going to help anything by staying here, I know that,” he said, voice soft and earnest. “But is it possible that you are just grasping at false hope? You have your family here. You have a home, a life; everything I have lost. Let Torchwood continue the blasted dimension canon. And stay.”

“I’m the only one who knows how to find the Doctor, and he’s the only one who can help us find out what is happening to the universes.”

“He left you here, Rose,” Loki said, his tone becoming more urgent. “You’re doing more than he ever would to get you back.”

“Well maybe that’s true!” she exclaimed, ripping her hand out of his. “Maybe he made the right choice leavin’ me here. But at least I’m runnin’ to fix something. It’s more than I can say for you!”

Loki grit his teeth, biting back his anger. He wanted to tell her she didn’t know a damn thing about what he was doing. He wanted to shout at her, shake her for putting such blind faith in a person that had stranded her, abandoned her.

“I…I’m sorry, Loki. I didn’t…”

Rose made a motion like she was about to reach out to him, but she dropped her hand before she dropped her gaze. He watched her silently as she walked back into the house. When the door closed behind her, he turned to stare out into the grey sky.

Pushing her away from him and to the Doctor was the only way she would work harder, faster. It was the only way he had the chance of leaving this horrendously domestic life and this pitiful mortal planet, but it was also the only way Loki could stop Rose from keeping him as her own personal pity project. But she didn’t need to know that bit.

He conjured a rock to throw into the waves in front of him, letting the persistent darkness in his mind envelop him.

He couldn’t stand the thought of losing Rose, but he hated the thought of her sympathy all the more.

~*~

Shadow of your heart, a Rose/Loki fic is mine

part two of three 

Top image courtesy mad girl with a box prompts/jourjiaux, bottom image courtesy a-zone


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